Intro

There is no manual for how to handle a cancer diagnosis or for the journey through treatments. Neither for the grief many families experience when the outcome results in the loss of a loved one. Loss is a profound, life-changing event that has no end. I will not pretend to have any tidy answers for you on how to overcome grief or to provide a process for you to follow in your own grief journey. I simply do not have one, even for myself.

This book is about my joy journey with the love of my life, Amy. You probably are curious about the use of the word joy in describing this journey. Certainly, cancer is not a joyful event, but the word joy had special meaning and significance to Amy and, because of her example, to many others. After receiving her cancer diagnosis, Amy expressed very adamantly that she wanted to somehow find joy in our cancer journey as well. As you read this collection of reflections, I think you will come to understand the joy Amy sought. Throughout this book, I will be recalling the many wonderful, joyful memories of my life with Amy as well as chronicling my own challenges and struggles through grief to healing.

I do not want to rehash our cancer journey for you from beginning to end in painful detail. I’m not sure I could. The short version is that Amy was diagnosed with cancer of unknown primary (CUP). This meant they could not identify through biopsy, scans, molecular classifier, or genetic sequencing the origin of her cancer. She was diagnosed in July 2021. She underwent radiation and chemotherapy and responded well to treatment for nearly a year. In September 2022, her disease began to progress rapidly, and she passed away from complications on October 24, 2022. If you feel that you want to know additional details, I will simply refer you to her CaringBridge site, which I have opened up to all viewers. It documents our cancer journey in more detail.

I have also decided not to tell our story in chronological order for a simple reason: I undertook this writing initiative in large part as a therapeutic exercise. Many of these chapters are reflections either from my hiking or from shared memories with family and friends. Some reflections come from other family members who have chosen to share their thoughts. I’ve added both dates and the accumulated miles hiked for each reflection as a guide for readers to see where I was in my grief journey when each thought, memory, or emotion struck me.

It is difficult to paint a picture of a person’s life and loss without telling stories that will make you laugh, cry, or sometimes, both. Some short background may help with context, however.

Amy and I were married on December 30, 1989, exactly one year after our engagement. We became engaged after knowing each other for only five months of a long-distance relationship and were happily married for the next thirty-two years. Amy and I were blessed with three wonderful children—our daughter, Claire, and our identical twin sons, Morgan and Carson. Our lives were filled with both challenges and triumphs. I will share many of these with you.

As you read the stories contained in this book, there is only one important thing to know: Amy is, and will always be, the love of my life. Cancer deprived me of her and the future we had planned, and I am broken beyond what any words can express. I am fortunate to have many family and friends to support me, but this book shares my grief journey and my search for healing.