Today my grief has been triggered. I thought I was doing well after weathering the first-year mark only to be derailed by the holidays and Amy’s upcoming birthday. Unboxing the Christmas decorations for the house and decorating our JOY tree gave me a push into melancholy.
Last night I had a late draw at curling and got back after midnight. I thought it best to skip my sleep medication so I wouldn’t be too groggy in the morning. All I succeeded in doing was fostering dreams of Amy throughout the night. I woke up several times in tears with only Macc and Beau to console me.
My dreams were crazy and incoherent, but one of them brought back a very painful memory. As Amy’s cancer progressed, one afternoon she broke down into tears and became distraught. When I came into the room, I asked her what was going on. She sobbed “I’ve RUINED everyone’s lives!”
I was at a loss for words as I hugged and held her. Finally, I told her to look at me. Our eyes locked and I said in my firmest tone, “Sweetie, you have done nothing but ENRICHED our lives. Don’t EVER doubt that.” This seemed to calm her. We managed to pass the afternoon talking about the kids before a baseball game came on and she was able to doze off.
As I recalled this memory, I was on the verge of tears. I reached out to my friend Joe and let him know I was having a rough day. I asked him if he had lunch plans. He did, but in typical Joe fashion, he said he would be at my place by 3:30 or so and we could grab dinner together. I tried to keep busy most of the day running errands, but I continued to struggle as the day progressed. My tears ebbed and flowed every time a certain song played from my playlist or I glanced at the many pictures of Amy displayed throughout the house.
I cooked my famous golosh for dinner and sat down at my computer to finish some Christmas shopping while I waited for Joe to arrive.
After he came, it was good for me to distract myself from my own thoughts. I learned more of his plans to start his own coaching consulting practice in 2024. It was nice to think about something else for a time, but Joe eventually and deftly steered the conversation back to my real reason for calling him. I unloaded my feelings on him and it felt good to share the successes and setbacks of my grief journey.
Joe is a brother to me. His visit only lasted a couple of hours, but I felt infinitely better afterward. I felt more centered on the joy Amy brought to our lives.
The moral of the story? Never hesitate to phone a friend. Thanks brother.
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Love you brother.
Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity….read by Princess Diana’s sister at her funeral.
Never hesitate to call me either. Here for you Mark. Once the weather gets better I look forward to resuming our hikes!